school

Self Explanatory

by Caitlin Rickerts

I’m an only child of parents who are married, yet living apart. My father however, is father to a daughter and son, 3 or more years older than me. I don’t know much about them, let alone about my father so I’d preferably not make him a big subject besides his effects on me.

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Before his career took off we lived together as a family and even his family who I don’t even know anymore (I was about 2 last time I saw them) lived close by. All I remember was events of myself getting hurt, and one particular one that showed my pure heart (I had a funeral for a butterfly my cat killed lol). Anyway as he moved away for his career, my mom and I moved into my grandparents place. It started off with him visiting every weekend and sleeping over, followed by him sleeping over less too coming over less and bringing gifts as a means to make up for his lack of presences in my life. I applaud him for trying as long as he did.

But little did he know, in primary school I felt like an outsider because I was this little girl who had no father to watch her hockey games, no father to support and push her in “right” and “positive” directions. I was the girl whose father was still in the picture, but found it easier leaving her alone in this big messy world. I mean divorce has terrible consequences on children no doubt, but this, I don’t even know how to defend him because its like he held on but I just wasn’t good enough for him to actually be a father.  My mother however, was always there for me and I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for her. But unfortunately I always felt like her rock, and not just the good kind but like an anchor keeping her down from having and creating a better life because she had to take care of me as both a mother and father. This woman guys, I don’t know how she does it but she’s the strongest human I’ve come across in my entire existence. However, I could never find the courage to add more hurt to her life by opening up to her about my crazy childhood and yes, even till this day I keep almost all my demons to myself.

Going into high school, he made sure I went to an all girl school. Now firstly, in primary school the way I got by was through friending guys, playing rugby, cricket and whatever nonsense guys do because I felt hated by most girls who I considered friends, and funny enough got hated even more for being friends with guys. Secondly, being at an all girls school, most of my friends went to mixed schools, so not only was I in an environment I felt alienated by, I completely shut down (ps I made some pretty cool school friends but that was it – school friends). As a learner throughout primary school as well as high school he’d always want to see my report as every parent. The difference was with mine, and im sure many others experienced it too, is that he focused on my failures, which too him was less than code 7. Nothing I did was good enough, not even those few 7’s I got. That was invisible to him, not worthy of praise and motivation of doing that good again but instead the bad marks were shamed, I was shamed. “with marks like this you could save me money and work at edgars” still engraved in my mind. My mothers sad eyes still a vivid picture in my mind, her helpless voice still trying to let me know that she is sorry about my father and that I have her full support in no matter how good or bad I do.

Now as a psychology student, I’ve learned about this topic. I’ve learned that I had no control over how I then tackled my academics yet somehow, I made it to university which was my greatest accomplishment thus far. I never put in much effort because I didn’t wanna give my all and still fail in my fathers eyes. But my moms kind words and belief in me pushed me through, and no words can describe how grateful I am because not everyone has this. I’ve lost faith countless times but always found my way back and I can assure you, God knows what He’s doing. We all handle certain situations differently, but don’t think its because of you that you fail, that you’re sad, that you perhaps tackled it the wrong way, because believe me there are a billion ways I could take the things that have happened to me and make something out of it, but funny enough I feel like I’m on auto-pilot, giving God my temple to make an example of the obstacles he gives us.

 

When and how I found out I suffered from depression, including its symptoms and how I lived with it in high school.

by Caitlin Rickerts

Let’s start by saying I was a normal girl, who didn’t get along with other girls, but somehow ended up at an all girl high school. From being at a mixed primary school, I assumed and was convinced id be going to the mixed high school. I got my few friends and that was good for me, but I had no idea how to keep them (primary school life explains this) in the sense that I always felt I wasn’t good enough; I didn’t have a good sense of style, I didn’t have money, I didn’t know how to be fun and that led me to be hesitant in everything I did and said around them.

But around the age 15, I had this phase where I felt utterly weird. My mom always joked that I was going through early menopause and so we waited to go to the doctor until the symptoms became constant. I had insomnia, I was extremely fatigue, I had hot-flushes at the most random times and lets not mention the constant headaches. As soon as my doc got all those symptoms she asked more personal questions, stress, friends and family related and thus concluded I was depressed. She prescribed a 6 month trial on an anti-depressant which should be taken in conjunction with seeing a psychologist. The psychologist part didn’t work out and so I took the pills hoping to become ‘better’. As a few weeks went by, I can’t describe the change my personality went through alongside the elimination of the symptoms. I was getting complimented on how happy I was as well as becoming more interactive with my teachers and friends. But at the end of the day, I’d sit and wonder if that’s really who I am, considering I’m taking medication to be a better being. I’d think back to the me without medication and wished she could feel this way too and that made me feel empty, yet full at the same time.

With no general knowledge on depression and just taking on what the doc said, I decided who cares. I got on the pills so easy that I’d probably go off it easier, and so I did. Problem is I had no idea how to work with medication especially mood-adjusting meds in terms of dosage. The fact that I was being changed by a pill someone who doesnt know who i am prescribed, made me feel like I lost control of who I am to become what is expected from a ‘normal decent happy’ human being. This made me feel like I was anything but, hence my decision of just cutting off medication. I never really thought about it but I can still feel the process of that medication working out of my system. The weird thing, however, was instead of going back to my old self, I became twice as bad as I was, minus the symptoms. But I wanted and needed to control at least one thing in my life.

I went from having friends and trying to hard to be the best me, to taking those pills and becoming a new me, followed by the recognition that that isn’t me and life isn’t that much of a big deal. I decided to live by that unwarily, not good enough but it was what I thought was best.