Why keep up with me?

by Caitlin Rickerts

74839411_917057438687956_3497994062202404864_oBefore I get into my story, you’re probably thinking, is reading this worth my time. Well, I’d say so and I’d start by letting you know what brought me here.

For years I have felt alone, even when surrounded by many, I felt even more alone than being alone. For years I felt that yes, I have a purpose, but the world itself, the unfair and unjust circumstances many find themselves in and the mere idea that I cannot do anything much about it, kept me in my shell. The disbelieve in myself lead to conditioning the negativity in my mind thus affecting my external being. I found myself alone and yes, I have friends, but at the end of the day, I still felt I only had myself.

The idea of starting a blog has been pondering in my mind for over a year. What made me finally start it, is my second attempt at overdosing on pills. I somehow managed, both times, to play it off cool around my family while being out of my mind drugged. But apparently not enough to end my life. Being the person who I am, I don’t like showing weakness aside from vulnerability, especially not to my mother.

The second time, I found myself in between the numbness, seeking a way to get out. I asked myself what will come from this but more sadness and heart-break beside my own pain? I then made a deal with myself that I try, I try to get out of this by calling someone and if they don’t answer, then that’s my sign to go. And I bet you get the rest.

My point is, many of us go through this and many of us don’t make it through it. We read stories about depression yet don’t make much out of it unless it’s someone we know. Instead, we see the prettiest guys and girls with the make-up and hair ‘on fleek’, keeping up with their lives as a daily ritual and thinking how’d they get it so easy. What about those around you struggling? The world can change so easily, but to change a mind-set, is like building a rocket and I’m pretty sure even rocket scientists can’t figure that out either.

But I promise it starts with you. It starts within you. And right now, I’m putting what is in me on paper, hoping someone else can find comfort in not being alone.

A Glimpse into the Mind of a Not-so-Ordinary Being.

by Caitlin Rickerts

cairBe yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more.

Why (in)sanity might you ask? Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates and answer all your questions. I look forward to our journey together!

Welcome to my first blog! i’ve been so hesitant whether to go through with this for the longest time, but a few days ago i nearly ruined the opportunity for me to ever start this blog and help someone in need.

so hi there. here i am with the hopes that someone who feels the same as i did will know they are not alone. My name is Caitlin. fun fact, my name means pure but i always believed i don’t fit that defintion until i realized it’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside and that’s exactly who i am, a kind soul who is pure of heart.

I’m an only child of parents who are married, yet living apart. My father however, has fathered a daughter and son, 3 or more years older than me. I’m a 21 year old student who suffers from depression, living away from her family on residence in the centre of the mother city, Cape Town.

keep up to date with my blog and find out more about my roller coaster of a life and how i manage to live with an over-flowing mind.

Synopsis:

  • when and how I found out I suffered from depression including its symptoms and how I lived with it in high school.
  • self explanatory – the parentals
  • my obstacles

The Obstacles

by Caitlin Rickerts

To family members and close friends who will be reading this, please keep an open mind. I am sorry for not sharing this with you personally and for also being a disappointment, but believe me I wouldn’t even know where to start.

To those of you who feel you played a part mentioned below, I am sorry if I never had the courage to confront you and if you feel this is an attack, I can assure you is not because you’ve helped me grow!

I take full responsibility for what I’ve been through and for all I’ve done, because I know God has been preparing me. My love for Him has been blinded by all these obstacles, but he knows my faith is strong. He knows he didn’t make a mistake designing us as fragile beings and by fragile I mean compared to Him the Almighty. We all suffer some time or another be it from physical or mental health, from sinning or from being ‘too holy’. But one thing that will always save us, is faith. Have faith in your Father God.

After all the background from my previous posts, what has happened in my life?

  • I was in a toxic relationship that included verbal, emotionally and sometimes physical abuse (not to the extreme though). Believing I deserved it and my wanting to stay with him, made me pucker up so I reflected him on him often too.
  • The first psychologist I spoke to,  in my most desperate time, told me to make my father happy over anything in my life – I remember her cold voice and uncaring eyes just looking right through me.
  • Grade 8 I was in a minor car accident with my father and prayed to God that he would finally realise how short life is and come be a father – he did not.
  • Grade 9 I was diagnosed with depression. I too found out I had high-scoliosis.
  • Grade 10 was by far the worse, I lost my baby
  • Grade 11 I tried to kill myself
  • Grade 12 I had this new allergic reaction were I’d randomly itch from head to toe and break out in hives, I was on allergex for months.
  • Gap year – waste of my life. take note I still endured the toxic relation I was in.
  • 2018 first year, I was practically sick whole year. I met someone who made me feel I could open my shell, till when I did, I felt like a punching bag. I developed a grass allergy or whatever. My grandpa died a week before my 21st birthday. I got raped; the first person I confided in told me it was my fault.
  • 2019 second year, became involved with someone only to find out he deals in drugs and when I tried to leave he threatened to kill himself. Had a mental breakdown and changed residences. Tried to kill myself.
  • 2020 third year, ah corona took the cake. I had so much plans. But it feels good to have God take the wheel. I probably wouldn’t have gone through with this should this pandemic not have happened.

 

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We live two lives. One where we share some secrets we can handle, and the other where we just exist to get by.

After mentioning all this, you could see there are obstacles that might not be considered as a real problem and just everyday inconveniences. But having depression, certain thoughts tend to marinate in your mind as though there is something wrong with you. I’ve literally always apologised for every inconvenient thing I sprung on my mom and docs because I felt like a waste of life – like a literal problem child that just won’t take defeat and end life.

See I never even gave what has happened to me a second thought and always concluded I deserve it, that i’m just life’s punching bag. I’d even try to convince myself that i’m being foolish for thinking this way because there are people way worse off than me – which made me feel even worse and I thought that wouldn’t be possible.

Now I can tell you, from not wanting a helping hand from neither medication nor a psychologist, I just left myself to drown further and further to the point where I finally had no choice but to seek help. Why? I socially ruin myself to protect myself, I live in my room and don’t see the beauty of nature because hell I’m so paranoid that the problem child within me might get kidnapped, might catch a virus and whatever more obstacles can be thrown at me. I basically have lived my life to avoid any more pain. and that itself caused way more harm.

When I finally got helped, it worked for a minute. Then boom, I got worse again in between my thoughts, followed by the doctors raising my dosage to the max. What I can tell you is that between all this negative emotions and thoughts I’d find my way through and try to take the wheel. And obviously theres no guarantee that you’d succeed first try but remember, you tried! Yey! That to me, is the first step in the right direction.

So you all see me on social media and yes, my pictures like any other are objectified. At first I copied and pasted captions because hello, I dont know how to communicate with the outside world but I also wanted to be part of it somehow. Then one day something in me just snapped. I started to use my being objectified to introduce myself and the world of Mental Illness. Now I know many people don’t read the captions, and thats ok. But for those of you who do, you’re really a special kind of human and not in the sense that I’m happy you’re noticing me, but that you’re making use of the advantage of social media and everything it can bring upon us, ie change, YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

To conclude this very long and probably boring post, I truly hope this helps anyone who was/is/will be in the same position as me included your own challenges. It’s not something we can ignore and avoid, but it’s definitely something we can help support each other through. I hereby offer my full support to whoever needs it – because I know what it’s like to be alone and I pray you don’t have to know that too.

Who am I?

by Caitlin Rickerts

Most of you see me on social media and even in person, and like every human being on this earth, we create assumptions before we actually get to know the person. We evaluate them from head to toe, we try to make sense of their personalities through attributing causes we deem closest to their being. Well, as a human myself, there’s no doubt that I do the same. So I asked around for people to describe how they view me. Nobody went in deep but they all more or less described me as; I can be distant, that I seem like somebody who has been through hell and back, some even went on to admit5 my first impression seemed unfriendly but once they got to know me they realised I’m actually sweet, that I seem so happy and my life’s pretty interesting etc. We all see what we want or what makes more sense to us. This way we build up how exactly we can incorporate this person/thing in our lives or how to kindly let it slide by. Now after how I’ve been described, I can agree that yes, I am a distant person and yes I’ve been through the most. Yes I am happy and yes my life’s one interesting roller coaster. BUT in my opinion, we can’t really judge a book by its cover.

If I were to define myself, none of these would make the cut. Why? Because I’m different everyday. The description I would give myself is fluid. For those that know me, I don’t like labels because that would confine me to feeling a specific way. Yes, I experience 2emotions, and I go through them on a daily basis, but my sadness of today is not the same as tomorrows. The way I could be distant today, would not be the same as yesterdays. And yes, that’s what you observe from me and according to the wonderful context of linguistics that need I remind you, MAN CREATED, it would make perfect sense to simply describe someone as such. But what makes me a fluid being, is my refusal to feel the same everyday and instead, I’m a whole new me the next day where I might not be perfect compare to yesterday, but hell I’m standing stronger than ever.

This probably doesn’t make sense and thats okay, it doesn’t have to, life doesn’t even really make sense if you think about it (we study so hard to work a 8am to 5pm job all our lives to pay bills and so forth but wheres the living? the adventure? the rawness of 1what’s truly on our heart?). But in this way, in this senseless emotional roller coaster of a life I’ve come to love even my darkest moments. I wouldn’t trade my depression for the world because then I wouldn’t have known what its like to draw strength out of the inexhaustible variety of life. Sometimes we need to leave things senseless as it should be. We weren’t created to make sense out of Gods creations.

Now like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I’m not here to preach on you how to live or to force you too see me how I see myself. I try to be the me you see on social media but I’m not the same post from last week, hell not even from yesterday so I guess to some extend I would be considered as misleading when in fact im being true to my most authentic self. So what I am here to do, is to express the beauty of EVERYTHING LIFE HAS GIVEN US. and yes, even the diseases both psychically 4and mentally. God is so mysterious and powerful that he hides the beauty of life in our darkest moments. He doesn’t expect us to commit to these labels society created when yes it helps create order, but it’s stunting our growth he has planned for us. Express yourself to the point where words just keep flowing, hell even if it doesn’t make sense, keep going. You’re one out of eight billion people in this world, find the pleasure in being the outlier!

 

please note

by Caitlin Rickerts

I’m not really good at this blog thing so posts will be out of order. With regards to the contents in this blog, I’ve switched up the path I’m taking and ripping off the bandage straight away.

This blog is not meant to gain pity, sympathy or any kind of attention to me as a person. This blog is merely a reminder that whatever is going on in your mind, not to say there’s something bad going on in there, but that you’re not alone. This blog serves as a bottle opener, for all those who finds themselves ashamed of who they are, ashamed no matter how small you find the ‘problem’.

I put problem in commas because there is no problem but instead a hill that yeah, requires you to push harder to reach the top, but the outcome is far better and worth the obstacle you deem a problem. Instead, see it as a test of strength and how bad you want it. See it as God choose you to see what humanity is capable of surviving through. Someone will always have it worse off than you, but remember we are all different and our problems weigh differently.

My purpose is not to put upon you my way of living, my beliefs, values and actions. For what works for me, will not necessarily work for you. I am not here to make my life public and use it as an excuse for when I do wrong, but remember I too am human and as much wrong is done to me, I’m not immune to avoid doing the same. Once again, this is merely to remind you that nobody’s life is as perfect as it might seem. This is to remind you to be kind to one another, to open up and not suffer in silence. You are 1 out of 8 billion people in this world, you are not alone.

Feel free to contact me if you would like to know more, but please don’t feel the need to console me. This is not about me, but about you. Even if you feel your problems are a needle in what seems as though mine could be a haystack, remember, we all deal with things differently and for all you know, I handled mine like a needle in this haystack of a world.

But on a real note, I hope me sharing my story (even if it’s not as bad), can inspire you to rip off your bandages and live your life to the fullest. Lets beat the stigma around mental illnesses together

If you found my blog somewhat helpful, please share this with more people.

Self Explanatory

by Caitlin Rickerts

I’m an only child of parents who are married, yet living apart. My father however, is father to a daughter and son, 3 or more years older than me. I don’t know much about them, let alone about my father so I’d preferably not make him a big subject besides his effects on me.

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Before his career took off we lived together as a family and even his family who I don’t even know anymore (I was about 2 last time I saw them) lived close by. All I remember was events of myself getting hurt, and one particular one that showed my pure heart (I had a funeral for a butterfly my cat killed lol). Anyway as he moved away for his career, my mom and I moved into my grandparents place. It started off with him visiting every weekend and sleeping over, followed by him sleeping over less too coming over less and bringing gifts as a means to make up for his lack of presences in my life. I applaud him for trying as long as he did.

But little did he know, in primary school I felt like an outsider because I was this little girl who had no father to watch her hockey games, no father to support and push her in “right” and “positive” directions. I was the girl whose father was still in the picture, but found it easier leaving her alone in this big messy world. I mean divorce has terrible consequences on children no doubt, but this, I don’t even know how to defend him because its like he held on but I just wasn’t good enough for him to actually be a father.  My mother however, was always there for me and I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for her. But unfortunately I always felt like her rock, and not just the good kind but like an anchor keeping her down from having and creating a better life because she had to take care of me as both a mother and father. This woman guys, I don’t know how she does it but she’s the strongest human I’ve come across in my entire existence. However, I could never find the courage to add more hurt to her life by opening up to her about my crazy childhood and yes, even till this day I keep almost all my demons to myself.

Going into high school, he made sure I went to an all girl school. Now firstly, in primary school the way I got by was through friending guys, playing rugby, cricket and whatever nonsense guys do because I felt hated by most girls who I considered friends, and funny enough got hated even more for being friends with guys. Secondly, being at an all girls school, most of my friends went to mixed schools, so not only was I in an environment I felt alienated by, I completely shut down (ps I made some pretty cool school friends but that was it – school friends). As a learner throughout primary school as well as high school he’d always want to see my report as every parent. The difference was with mine, and im sure many others experienced it too, is that he focused on my failures, which too him was less than code 7. Nothing I did was good enough, not even those few 7’s I got. That was invisible to him, not worthy of praise and motivation of doing that good again but instead the bad marks were shamed, I was shamed. “with marks like this you could save me money and work at edgars” still engraved in my mind. My mothers sad eyes still a vivid picture in my mind, her helpless voice still trying to let me know that she is sorry about my father and that I have her full support in no matter how good or bad I do.

Now as a psychology student, I’ve learned about this topic. I’ve learned that I had no control over how I then tackled my academics yet somehow, I made it to university which was my greatest accomplishment thus far. I never put in much effort because I didn’t wanna give my all and still fail in my fathers eyes. But my moms kind words and belief in me pushed me through, and no words can describe how grateful I am because not everyone has this. I’ve lost faith countless times but always found my way back and I can assure you, God knows what He’s doing. We all handle certain situations differently, but don’t think its because of you that you fail, that you’re sad, that you perhaps tackled it the wrong way, because believe me there are a billion ways I could take the things that have happened to me and make something out of it, but funny enough I feel like I’m on auto-pilot, giving God my temple to make an example of the obstacles he gives us.

 

When and how I found out I suffered from depression, including its symptoms and how I lived with it in high school.

by Caitlin Rickerts

Let’s start by saying I was a normal girl, who didn’t get along with other girls, but somehow ended up at an all girl high school. From being at a mixed primary school, I assumed and was convinced id be going to the mixed high school. I got my few friends and that was good for me, but I had no idea how to keep them (primary school life explains this) in the sense that I always felt I wasn’t good enough; I didn’t have a good sense of style, I didn’t have money, I didn’t know how to be fun and that led me to be hesitant in everything I did and said around them.

But around the age 15, I had this phase where I felt utterly weird. My mom always joked that I was going through early menopause and so we waited to go to the doctor until the symptoms became constant. I had insomnia, I was extremely fatigue, I had hot-flushes at the most random times and lets not mention the constant headaches. As soon as my doc got all those symptoms she asked more personal questions, stress, friends and family related and thus concluded I was depressed. She prescribed a 6 month trial on an anti-depressant which should be taken in conjunction with seeing a psychologist. The psychologist part didn’t work out and so I took the pills hoping to become ‘better’. As a few weeks went by, I can’t describe the change my personality went through alongside the elimination of the symptoms. I was getting complimented on how happy I was as well as becoming more interactive with my teachers and friends. But at the end of the day, I’d sit and wonder if that’s really who I am, considering I’m taking medication to be a better being. I’d think back to the me without medication and wished she could feel this way too and that made me feel empty, yet full at the same time.

With no general knowledge on depression and just taking on what the doc said, I decided who cares. I got on the pills so easy that I’d probably go off it easier, and so I did. Problem is I had no idea how to work with medication especially mood-adjusting meds in terms of dosage. The fact that I was being changed by a pill someone who doesnt know who i am prescribed, made me feel like I lost control of who I am to become what is expected from a ‘normal decent happy’ human being. This made me feel like I was anything but, hence my decision of just cutting off medication. I never really thought about it but I can still feel the process of that medication working out of my system. The weird thing, however, was instead of going back to my old self, I became twice as bad as I was, minus the symptoms. But I wanted and needed to control at least one thing in my life.

I went from having friends and trying to hard to be the best me, to taking those pills and becoming a new me, followed by the recognition that that isn’t me and life isn’t that much of a big deal. I decided to live by that unwarily, not good enough but it was what I thought was best.

 

Lost

by Caitlin Rickerts

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written and gotten to where I initially planned with this blog. Truth be told, writing is easy, but posting, it’s so hard. I am so scared and not for me and the affect my transparency might have on me, but for my family and friends who surround me. I don’t want sympathy or anger to fall my way since I am simply a human and we all go through a narrow path, but not many of us share it because of how we believe others will perceive us after that. Well, I don’t want to be seen any different, I don’t want to be seen as worse nor better but just to be understood.

 

Lord only knows how I could do that hence my deferring this blog and posts. I intended on helping others while this process is supposed to help me but my mind just won’t stop over-thinking. So my question is, how am I to do anything when I just cannot do that one thing which is control my thoughts. I’ve tried meditating, and certainly know what to do but being hesitant proves I’m not ready, doesn’t it?