To family members and close friends who will be reading this, please keep an open mind. I am sorry for not sharing this with you personally and for also being a disappointment, but believe me I wouldn’t even know where to start.

To those of you who feel you played a part mentioned below, I am sorry if I never had the courage to confront you and if you feel this is an attack, I can assure you is not because you’ve helped me grow!

I take full responsibility for what I’ve been through and for all I’ve done, because I know God has been preparing me. My love for Him has been blinded by all these obstacles, but he knows my faith is strong. He knows he didn’t make a mistake designing us as fragile beings and by fragile I mean compared to Him the Almighty. We all suffer some time or another be it from physical or mental health, from sinning or from being ‘too holy’. But one thing that will always save us, is faith. Have faith in your Father God.

After all the background from my previous posts, what has happened in my life?

• I was in a toxic relationship that included verbal, emotionally and sometimes physical abuse (not to the extreme though). Believing I deserved it and my wanting to stay with him, made me pucker up so I reflected him on him often too.
• The first psychologist I spoke to,  in my most desperate time, told me to make my father happy over anything in my life – I remember her cold voice and uncaring eyes just looking right through me.
• Grade 8 I was in a minor car accident with my father and prayed to God that he would finally realise how short life is and come be a father – he did not.
• Grade 9 I was diagnosed with depression. I too found out I had high-scoliosis.
• Grade 10 was by far the worse, I lost my baby
• Grade 11 I tried to kill myself
• Grade 12 I had this new allergic reaction were I’d randomly itch from head to toe and break out in hives, I was on allergex for months.
• Gap year – waste of my life. take note I still endured the toxic relation I was in.
• 2018 first year, I was practically sick whole year. I met someone who made me feel I could open my shell, till when I did, I felt like a punching bag. I developed a grass allergy or whatever. My grandpa died a week before my 21st birthday. I got raped; the first person I confided in told me it was my fault.
• 2019 second year, became involved with someone only to find out he deals in drugs and when I tried to leave he threatened to kill himself. Had a mental breakdown and changed residences. Tried to kill myself.
• 2020 third year, ah corona took the cake. I had so much plans. But it feels good to have God take the wheel. I probably wouldn’t have gone through with this should this pandemic not have happened.

 

After mentioning all this, you could see there are obstacles that might not be considered as a real problem and just everyday inconveniences. But having depression, certain thoughts tend to marinate in your mind as though there is something wrong with you. I’ve literally always apologised for every inconvenient thing I sprung on my mom and docs because I felt like a waste of life – like a literal problem child that just won’t take defeat and end life.

See I never even gave what has happened to me a second thought and always concluded I deserve it, that i’m just life’s punching bag. I’d even try to convince myself that i’m being foolish for thinking this way because there are people way worse off than me – which made me feel even worse and I thought that wouldn’t be possible.

Now I can tell you, from not wanting a helping hand from neither medication nor a psychologist, I just left myself to drown further and further to the point where I finally had no choice but to seek help. Why? I socially ruin myself to protect myself, I live in my room and don’t see the beauty of nature because hell I’m so paranoid that the problem child within me might get kidnapped, might catch a virus and whatever more obstacles can be thrown at me. I basically have lived my life to avoid any more pain. and that itself caused way more harm.

When I finally got helped, it worked for a minute. Then boom, I got worse again in between my thoughts, followed by the doctors raising my dosage to the max. What I can tell you is that between all this negative emotions and thoughts I’d find my way through and try to take the wheel. And obviously theres no guarantee that you’d succeed first try but remember, you tried! Yey! That to me, is the first step in the right direction.

So you all see me on social media and yes, my pictures like any other are objectified. At first I copied and pasted captions because hello, I dont know how to communicate with the outside world but I also wanted to be part of it somehow. Then one day something in me just snapped. I started to use my being objectified to introduce myself and the world of Mental Illness. Now I know many people don’t read the captions, and thats ok. But for those of you who do, you’re really a special kind of human and not in the sense that I’m happy you’re noticing me, but that you’re making use of the advantage of social media and everything it can bring upon us, ie change, YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

To conclude this very long and probably boring post, I truly hope this helps anyone who was/is/will be in the same position as me included your own challenges. It’s not something we can ignore and avoid, but it’s definitely something we can help support each other through. I hereby offer my full support to whoever needs it – because I know what it’s like to be alone and I pray you don’t have to know that too.