Let’s start by saying I was a normal girl, who didn’t get along with other girls, but somehow ended up at an all girl high school. From being at a mixed primary school, I assumed and was convinced id be going to the mixed high school. I got my few friends and that was good for me, but I had no idea how to keep them (primary school life explains this) in the sense that I always felt I wasn’t good enough; I didn’t have a good sense of style, I didn’t have money, I didn’t know how to be fun and that led me to be hesitant in everything I did and said around them.

But around the age 15, I had this phase where I felt utterly weird. My mom always joked that I was going through early menopause and so we waited to go to the doctor until the symptoms became constant. I had insomnia, I was extremely fatigue, I had hot-flushes at the most random times and lets not mention the constant headaches. As soon as my doc got all those symptoms she asked more personal questions, stress, friends and family related and thus concluded I was depressed. She prescribed a 6 month trial on an anti-depressant which should be taken in conjunction with seeing a psychologist. The psychologist part didn’t work out and so I took the pills hoping to become ‘better’. As a few weeks went by, I can’t describe the change my personality went through alongside the elimination of the symptoms. I was getting complimented on how happy I was as well as becoming more interactive with my teachers and friends. But at the end of the day, I’d sit and wonder if that’s really who I am, considering I’m taking medication to be a better being. I’d think back to the me without medication and wished she could feel this way too and that made me feel empty, yet full at the same time.

With no general knowledge on depression and just taking on what the doc said, I decided who cares. I got on the pills so easy that I’d probably go off it easier, and so I did. Problem is I had no idea how to work with medication especially mood-adjusting meds in terms of dosage. The fact that I was being changed by a pill someone who doesnt know who i am prescribed, made me feel like I lost control of who I am to become what is expected from a ‘normal decent happy’ human being. This made me feel like I was anything but, hence my decision of just cutting off medication. I never really thought about it but I can still feel the process of that medication working out of my system. The weird thing, however, was instead of going back to my old self, I became twice as bad as I was, minus the symptoms. But I wanted and needed to control at least one thing in my life.

I went from having friends and trying to hard to be the best me, to taking those pills and becoming a new me, followed by the recognition that that isn’t me and life isn’t that much of a big deal. I decided to live by that unwarily, not good enough but it was what I thought was best.